Since I came on my holidays to Canada, somethings.. buging me. I guess that's how we shall say it. I don't know. I kinda want to get rid of it and get rid of all the bad feelings, so if this journal will be long, venting and pathetic, sorry. Don't have to read, don't have to care, I just want to get rid of it. That's all.

For a couple of years now, I had to realize that my country is becoming a terrible place. A terrible place to live, to work, to do your stuff. No matter how many times I think about it, I don't want to live there. I don't. I just don't. I don't want to end up searching for a job, or doing something crappy for very less money. I want to have a good life, and before anybody starts shouting SELFISH at me: I want to give a better life to my Mom and to my Grandma. Because they are both sick. I'm not telling these because I want people to feel sorry for me. There are people whom I know they have harder times in life then me. I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me, I'm just telling these because these are something that play a role in making my decisions. THAT's all. I want to have better chances of providing my family what they need. A better hospital? A better doctor? Better medicine that costs more? If I can, I want to give that. A trip in the summer. I want to give that too. I want to have a car, so that I can just take my grandma anywhere she wants to go. To be able to load it with groceries so that we don't have to go to the store 3 times a week, considering what we can actually take home in our hands and what we can't.
I was given something many people have (at least many people whom I know). I have relatives abroad. But what makes my relatives different, is that they actually stay in contact, and are willing to help me. I was always dreaming about asking them, if I could, for at least a few years, work here in Canada. But now, that I was here, it was hard to ask, and in the end, my aunt asked me what are my plans for after school. Can't lie, eh? I told her. She didn't even raised an eyebrow. She immediately started to talk with me about it, we started to talk about the different options I could choose for starting. About what I can really do what I can get here, and what I can aim for later.
I can even talk to some people who are not actually my relatives but part of the family, I know them, and met them before, they moved here about 9 years ago. And my uncles are really helpful too.
What I need is, some help in case I come here. Some help to get started. And I know my family here is willing to give me that help. And I know that they trust me, they won't think I would abuse with their help. I never abused with anything in my life for 21 years, and I'm not going to start it now.

Why do I want to work abroad so much? Because in Hungary, you have to work more and more yet they don't give you more. They give less. My mother didn't got any raise for 4 or 5 years now. I'm not kidding. 4 or 5 years. That's ridiculous. I don't want that. I know the grass isn't actually taller at other places. Every country has it's own problems, I've been to many places, trust me, I know it. But I can see that here, if you work more, you get more. If you try harder, you'll eventually receive something for it. Your not just dreaming but actually building your future and paving your own road.

What the hard part is, that I'm scared. Laugh, I don't mind. I'm scared. Of what will happen. Of how will things go if I really get to take the chance and work and live here for a few years. What will I feel? Will I miss things at home? Surely, but how? Even now... I think about home daily, but I'm not "missing" my family. I know they will be there when I go back, and I know I'll go back in August. But coming here to live, moving here is something totally different.
I'm scared of what my family at home will think. My mom always supported me about working or living abroad. She always told me to study hard and to learn languages so I can have more chances.
But what will she feel when the moment actually comes? What will she say? What will she do? What will my grandma do? I talked to my grandmother yesterday, and I all I heard was "come home, come home" ... she's.. a very selfish person. I don't want to be mean. I love her and I know she loves me. But my grandmother is a selfish person, and she used people and expects them to be there for her whenever she wants them.
My cousin, who also spoke to me yesterday, told me not to care. "It's YOUR life" that's what she said. And guess what, she was right. She was damn right.

I just.. don't want to be the "bad girl" in others eyes for .. "leaving" my family at home.
I don't want to "leave" them. I want to work so I can give them something when they will need it. I plan to invite my mother later, I want to visit her, at least once a year. Of course I don't know if I'll be able to do that, but what matters is: I don't plan to leave them. I don't want to wave and say "Good-by Mom, thanks for giving me everything, lalalalala" and walk away. No. Nono. Hellno. I'm not like that. I'm really not.
And before anybody comes up with the shitty "are you trying to convince YOURSELF or ME" saying, I KNOW I'm not a person like that. I might be wonky, but not wonky to not know what I am, and what I'm not.

This whole damn thing keeps bothering me and actually drives me to the point where I just want to cry. It just makes me so tired I want to cry. And had this stupid talk with my Mom today. She phoned me on Tuesday, Wednesday, Yesterday and Today too. On Tuesday, that was the fist time we spoke again, we kept touch in e-mail till that because I was staying at the beach and stuff. I was happy to hear her voice, told her stuff, what happened, what we did, blahblahblah. On Wednesday too, and Yesterday kinda too. But today nothing happened, I did laundry and packed my stuff cuz on Sunday, I'll go to Toronto for 1 or 2 weeks. I was organizing my stuff and actually I felt pissed of by the fact that she just called every day. Yes, yes she's my mother and she must be worried, but heck, I just felt bugged. I felt like 'maan gimme some peace'. I could have stayed home if she wanted to hear my voice every day that much. And when I'm not in the mood for talking on the phone, I end up saying nothing things like 'yeah. .... yeah. uh. Uh-huh' and I just act like a jerk to make the other person hang up. In the end my Mom just said 'Okay, I hang up cuz I can hear your nuts again.' That's what she says when I'm like that on the phone. I felt bad for acting like that ... but... meh. I donno. *SIGH*
I really don't know.

I just wanna cry all this shit out and get rid of all the worries they cause. They are kinda starting to get too much. I think Toronto will do good for me.